


i loved her against reason (replay)

by lesbihye



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, mentions of yves and other loona members, side chuuves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 17:19:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15999797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbihye/pseuds/lesbihye
Summary: Things happen when you've been with your best friend for more than half of your life. It gets messy.





	i loved her against reason (replay)

Jiwoo doesn’t know if she’s ready to face Jungeun. But she figures that it’s finally time to hear what her best friend had to say to her.

“H-Hey Jiwoo! It’s been awhile since I’ve talked to you, I’m sorry. I figured that I should finally.. Probably tell you this. This is.. New to me, to say the least. To be so upfront about the things I kept away from you for so long. Can you believe I’m about to tell you the only thing I’ve ever lied to you about?”

The shorter girl rubs her hands nervously, as Junguen thoughtfully hums.

“Don’t feel bad about me lying to you, Jiwoo. I know you, and you shouldn’t feel bad. It’s my fault for not being honest, and my fault for not being brave, either. Who knows what would’ve happened if I had talked to you before you went to that drama cameo you had? I think about it a lot, I mean like, it could’ve changed a lot of things. But I can’t change anything, just like how I can’t change how things are now.”

Silence hung heavy for a split second.

“Not that I’m complaining! I love what we have, you’ve been my best friend since high school. That’s more than half of my life! You’ve seen me grow up, dye my hair four different colors, held my hand when I got all my piercings.. You’ve been there since I had my braces!”

“Do you remember when we first met? I was sitting alone at the back of class because no one wanted to talk to me on the first day of school, and you already had a crowd hovering around you. You’re really something, Jiwoo, I’ve always thought so! Especially when you noticed me, and the next day you came extra early so that you could leave candy on my desk with a post it note penguin, and then ask me to be your friend. I couldn’t ever forget that, Jiwoo. You were so charming, even back then.”

“A lot of my favorite things about you haven’t changed. First off, your bangs.”

Jungeun laughs, and this time Jiwoo can’t help but laugh softly with her.

“But really.. Not much of your best qualities have changed, Jiwoo. You’re so loud and bright, and when I’m around you I can’t help but get sweeped up into your energy. I never have to question how much I mean to you or where I stand in your life because you constantly remind me. You can never hide what you’re feeling, you wear your heart out on your sleeve, and your happiness is so contagious. You always, always love the people you care about with all your heart.”

Jiwoo rubs the back of her neck, feeling the brunette locks that spilled over her shoulders, feeling awkward from the compliments from her best friend. It was strange to Jiwoo, to hear something like that from Jungeun after all this time.

“I’m dragging this on, aren’t I? I guess I can’t find an easier way to say this.. So I should just throw it out there. The reason why you’re so.. Different to me. The reason why I’m speaking about this when I could’ve just as easily kept silent for the rest of my life. Time to come clean."

Jungeun blows a breath out, before speaking again.

“What I’m trying to say is that I love you, Kim Jiwoo.”

Jiwoo’s breath hitches, not because it’s the first time she’s heard those words from Jungeun, but because she understands now.

She understands.

Everything from the last time she saw Jungeun, the last time they were okay.. Jiwoo understands now.

“For years, it’s been you. God, it’s always been you. Ever since the penguin sticky note, ever since you plastered my knee with pink band aids after I fell during track, ever since you drove me to McDonalds at 1am because my prom date sucked. There wasn’t anyone who could ever compete with you.. It’s why I didn’t work out with Haseul. But don’t blame yourself for that! It’s not.. Your fault that I’m in love with you. Don’t blame yourself, because I know you will, and this is me telling you that it was my decision and my feelings that ultimately affected my relationships. Not your fault.”

Jiwoo wanted to throttle Jungeun right then and there, yell at her through her tears asking how it wasn’t her fault, how it wasn’t because of her that Jungeun couldn’t be happy with someone. But she couldn’t. So she sat there, sniffling, as she listened.

Jungeun sighed, and Jiwoo hears the faintest sniffle.

She’s crying.

“Jiwoo.. I’m sorry for being selfish and throwing this you. I just want you to know that this why I hid away from you for awhile during our senior year in high school, after you started dating Sooyoung. It’s why I ignored your messages for a week, because I couldn’t think of anything to say that spilled my heart out like an open book. It was as if I was a really fucked up faucet; if I opened up just a little, everything would come loose. I just felt so.. Lost, and like I could’ve done things differently. Not going to lie, I felt a lot like a stereotypical moping teenager.”

Jiwoo can hear Jungeun sniffling through the short laugh after the comparison.

“But I realized that you being happy was more important to me. I hated having to look past your worried texts, the voicemails you would leave when you were upset, the way I couldn’t look you in the eye if I saw you at school. I’m really.. Really sorry about not being able to deal with myself. It just really sucked to see that you were super happy with someone who wasn’t me. To see the person you love without you, when you know that you could’ve tried.. It really hit me, hard. But you didn’t deserve the way I reacted. You didn’t deserve to nearly lose your best friend”

“For ages, Vivi, as overprotective as she is, worried a lot about my decision. About putting you before the feelings I had. She kept telling me that it okay to take a breath, okay to give in, but I was adamant about my decision."

"When she finally came to terms that I wasn't going to change my mind, she gave me this quote from a book she read, 'I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be.', and told me that the best kind of love was that kind. The kind of love where they know where their heart is, and they fight for it, they wait for it, because they know that against all odds, that this is the person they're meant to be with. Vivi told me that if I was so sure about you, eventually you'd come to me."

"Wanting something like that was selfish though, when I knew you were happy with Sooyoung. So I stuck with my place as the loyal best friend, knowing that it was the best I could get, and that I should just be happy to be able to be with you. Even if it wasn't in the way I wanted."

Jiwoo wanted to scream her lungs out at Jungeun, telling her that she wasn’t selfish for having feelings, that she shouldn’t have hurt herself and her feelings because of her, that she could’ve talked to her, to any of their friends.

But Jiwoo stayed silent. Waiting for Jungeun to go on.

“That's okay though; I told myself that I’d be at your side no matter what. It’s what I told myself for the past years, because I care about you. But I ended up drifting away again. Not because of what I felt, but because I had another lie to cover up. I don’t think I need to explain that one.. I couldn’t hide the symptoms for long, huh, Jiwoo? There’s only so much I can do to hide all the hospital trips, what more the falling hair.”

She can hear Jungeun’s breath get heavier, trying to sniffle through the crying. Her voice starts to crack painfully, and Jiwoo has to clench her hands to prevent her from sobbing out loud.

“I’m sorry.. For everything. You deserve a better best friend, even though I tried my best to be what you deserve, I don’t think I quite made the cut. Falling in love with you, pining for years, and now I'm going to be dropping off the face off the earth."

Jiwoo feels like she can't breathe.

“You know Jiwoo.. I don’t regret it one bit. Watching you be happy is the best thing that could happen to me. Being your best friend was probably one of my best achievements. I loved being around you, even just as a friend."

"But sometimes I just wish that I fought for you, and I thought I would’ve..”

Jungeun let out a shaky sigh, trying to breathe through her crying.

“But you always gave everything to me,” Jiwoo whispered, speaking up for the first time, “Even though you didn’t have to.”

“I just.. Jiwoo- Thank you for the penguin sticky note. Thank you for everything after that. Thank you for.. Everything. I’m sorry.. And I love you. I really, really mean it; I love you.”

There’s a few moments of heavy silence, with Jiwoo’s quiet crying being the only sound in the room.

“Jungeun, I was in love with you, too,” Jiwoo said softly, her voice cracking, “Long before Sooyoung.”

The only response Jiwoo got was a click from the stereo and the empty whirring of a finished tape, completely devoid of Jungeun’s voice.


End file.
